Author – Laura Summerville
If you are like us, (and the two million viewers) tuning into Married At First Site (MAFS) every night, you’ll appreciate the drama and the roller coaster of emotions these couples go through to find ‘true love’.
As lawyers specialising in relationship law, watching each episode of MAFS, we are noticing the negative behaviours between the couples and how it leads to conflict throughout the series.
The toxic behaviour displayed in this season of MAFS started off with a bang from Katie and Tim. But now looking back further into the series, that was just the tip of the iceberg of the negative things people do or say to their ‘loved ones’; albeit even a stranger they don’t know.
As viewers, we accept we are at the mercy of the producers that curate these moments. Because of this, we may take moments out of context as the editing team wants to ‘put on a show’. However, the underlying tone is still there. The behaviour in these marriages is indicative of real-life relationships.
To the benefit of the TV program, there are two million people each night watching the dynamics and questioning the behaviour, and (like us) talking about it and calling it out as unacceptable.
These are some of the negative behaviours we’ve noticed this season:
Gaslighting – What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation leading the other person to question their own perception, views, or even sanity. It might be saying something as direct as “you had five margaritas, you don’t remember the real story”. Leading a person to question their own perception of something and doubt themselves.
Ignoring, or disappearing:
When the other person leaves for days on end, and won’t tell you where they are going, who they are going to see, and what they are doing. They then come home and act like everything is okay.
Love bombing:
Love bombing can appear at any time during a relationship. In this context, it is occurring during the ‘honeymoon phase’. The partner will shower the other person with gifts or affirmations, be very attentive, and be ‘the perfect person’. After a period, the love bombing ends (sometimes abruptly) and the person either disappears (as above) or shows a different side of themselves.
‘Flying monkeys’ or ‘building an army’;
The clear example of this is between Adrian and Awhina this week in the family and friends’ episode. Bringing the partner along to family and friends to ‘have at her’. Sometimes called flying monkeys, because friends and family are sent in to do the work of the abuser. This is also a form of isolation.
Controlling;
When a person wants to leave the marriage/ relationship, but the other person coerces them into staying.
Public humiliation;
A person will humiliate the other person. We see this in every series of MAFS, particularly at the commitment ceremonies. An example of this recently is telling people that an intimate moment the couple shared wasn’t that ‘great’ to belittle and humiliate them.
Nitpicking;
For example, writing a trivial list of all the negative things about the other person’s personality you disagree with and think they need to change. In this season, one person felt the need to raise with their partner the fact she read non-fiction books, and he read fiction books. This could also be a form of controlling behaviour.
Aggression;
Most recently, we have seen examples of aggression through the forms of yelling, belittling, or property damage. For example, when someone tells their partner something about them that upsets their partner, they get aggressive and punch a wall. Shouting over the top of people, pointing fingers, and using words to belittle them is also commonly present.
All of these things are negative behaviours in a relationship and should be treated as ‘red flags’. While we love MAFS for the reality TV drama it is, we are also grateful for the show (and others like MAFS) because it brings these behaviours to the forefront, in people’s living rooms, and gives us the ability to identify these behaviours as not being acceptable and discuss it with family and friends. These behaviours, whether in isolation or in combination with each other, can negatively impact upon a person’s health and wellbeing. Attached is a factsheet that defines other negative behaviour traits, understanding coercive control.
At Elysian Law, we often hear people recount their experiences in a relationship and how over time, each of these acts or behaviours leads to a person slowing becoming dominated and their confidence and independence being eroded. This is when a relationship becomes unhealthy and people may need the law to intervene to stop this behaviour and allow them to move on.
If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence relationship, reach out for support today, or contact us for free legal advice. It never too late to ask for help or advice.
